I don’t mind change. Though it’s easy to get complacent and wallow in the comfort of sameness, I truly enjoy when things get shaken up. I like the energy. I like the newness. Most times.
But not this time. They’re changing things at church. The “powers that be,” in their infinite misinterpretation of the word wisdom, are taking a step backward. We’re back to sackcloth and ashes, focusing on sin again, on how awful we are, instead of on love, self-worth and growth. It’s bringing up all sorts of emotional issues for me. I do not want this in my life. I do not want to deal with it.
But I have to. My latest book, coincidentally, carries the same theme: Sin, and its repercussions. To add the depth the story needs, I have to dig inside myself to where feelings of inadequacy still reside, tiny worms that wriggle in the dark of night: I’m worthless. I’m slime. Worse still, I'm unlovable. Bad things happen to me because I deserve it.
But I hadn’t intended to dig that deep. Now, the changes at church are forcing me to delve into places I don’t want to go. Feelings I can’t control keep bubbling to the surface, forcing me to really look at my core, at who and what I truly am. What I really believe. It’s making me angry. It’s making me cry.
But my book will be all the better for it. Beneath the mystery and suspense will lie a message of hope. Of worthiness. We don’t have to punish ourselves for our mistakes. We can learn from them, become better people, and find happiness.
My God is loving and kind, no matter what my church teaches. And my book will be all the better for having to deal with these long-buried issues. I have until Advent to decide what to do about the church. But I have my stories every day. I thank my caring God that I’m a writer. And I thank God I, too, am the better for it.
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This is a brave post on a difficult subject. I sometimes think churches are the biggest obstacle to faith. Sometimes they have so very little to do with God. (I just watched the season finale of the Borgias last night on a free Showtime preview--it sure shows how evil people can take over a whole religion.) I hope you're able to find a spiritual home where you feel safe.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Anne. I believe in God, but I have a problem with churches.
ReplyDeleteI haven't stepped foot in a church in many years and then it was for a wedding.
I prefer to talk to God among the trees or staring into the stars.
Here's my take--We've let ourselves off too easily with the "God loves me and I'm special" attitude until nothing is sacred and everything is forgivable. It's supposed to be hard to be a Christian. The world's way is always easier and more fun. Now The Church is afraid that God is going to call His wrath down on us if we don't repent. Like the OT prophets would tell us, it's time to put the skids on. Thus, the emphasis on sin again.
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